Series: A Very Large Pair of Minnie Mouse Hands, Part 2

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To read Part 1, go here

We’ve threatened it before and it’s become a compelling fantasy. But what if, just what if we actually carried through with it? What would earnestly happen in this day and age? We find it hard to believe that men in white coats would suddenly appear to haul us away. Jail? Standard old jail time? Perhaps, but that’s another fantasy all together and direly similar to our current and indelible cube situation.

We would dearly love to try it. It’s no mystery (as you can see from the forthcoming title). Yes! We want to show up to work and attempt to perform the dreaded, menial and repetitive tasks so graciously bestowed upon us, whilst dawning a very, and yes we do mean VERY (at least relatively so), large pair of Minnie Mouse hands.

To be quite honest, we’ve searched online and haven’t yet come up with much outside shoddy, standard glove size mitten-esque style mouse hands. Very disappointing! But we’re sure they must be out there. We’d even be wiling to find someone to custom make them for us. Who would that be anyway? Do specialty mitten makers exist, so that we can carry out this premeditated perversion?

So could it be done? If for nothing else but to watch our boss make a nervous and slightly missangled b-line for our desk and utter the very words, so cautiously placed with a slight quiver and puppy-like head tilt: “I’m going to need to ask you to remove the mouse hands.” Oh what enviable joy!

The fantasy however, is mostly within the realm of what the calendaring and expense report processing situation would become, if we were to wear the mouse gloves. And what would those men about the office, those drones that wear nothing more than a light blue dress shirt, top button undone with dark slacks and dark shoes, they all look the same, how would they react? When they spot me at the copy machine, veraciously pounding away with the mouse hands, trying so desperately to enter in my username and password! We’re certain they know nothing about a veracious pounding, and we’ll kindly leave it at that.

Also, we just love the thought of becoming so incapacitated, via the very large hands, that we’d not be able to correctly reserve conference rooms for the many staff we support and send them to all corners of the sky scrapper, incorrectly of course and imagine them reeling in such a panicked fuss, causing them to miss their pointless updates and clustering sessions. What a tragedy. If too, afternoon snacks such as soft pretzels and paninis were to show up for the early morning briefing with high-level external clients, and vice-a-versa, well that would truly be the titular cherry on the non-fat icing.

As we said before, we wouldn’t mind a momentary stint in jail due to insubordination and resistance to disciplinary correction with a dash of histrionics mixed in, just for something different. The guards would be called in and surely haul us off. And it would be mildly amusing to make an appearance before the bail bondsman, with said hands.

So in short, the basic premiss is this: Show up to the office and attempt to perform your job, while wearing a very large pair of Minnie Mouse hands. We highly recommend you try it, even if only once. If you disagree, for a more graceful alternative, there’s always the ears…

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Please Listen Closely, As Our Options Have Changed…

Un-happy ‘Administrative glorified secretary Professionals Day’ to you, Working Girl.

Oh, and…when have the options not changed?  When will we not have to listen closely to the same old options?

Kindly advise.

Best,

WGOO

Anthem for a Working Girl

If ever there was an anthem for a Working Girl (or any working stiff for that matter) this would undoubtedly be it.

Most of the lyrics are straightforward enough, in terms of how they apply to our collective day-to-day sludge.  Save for perhaps:

“Jump off the tarmac there’s no stagecoach speed limit”

What could that mean?  Did you forget to book the town car for your boss’s return flight?  We can only hope…

So, we eagerly present the lyrics to your new office hymnal (followed by YouTube audio clip):

Almost Medieval by The Human League

There's something in your soul that makes me feel so old
In fact I think I've died about six hundred times
There's less of me now and more of me then
I'm moving back to the age of men
Jump off the tarmac there's no stagecoach speed limit
Outside the office hangs the man on the gibbet
Soft lenses
Grow to glasses
Small world
Dimly seen through cataracts
Your program
Newspaper
So they say
Rumour spread by word of mouth
Jump onto the escalator
Press the button on the lift
Raise the dust on old stair carpets
Endless treads like waves of regret
Now it seems I'm going madder
Falling off this rotting ladder
Soft lenses
Grow to glasses
Small world
Dimly seen through cataracts
Jump onto the escalator
Press the button on the lift
Raise the dust on old stair carpets
Endless treads like waves of regret
Now it seems I'm going madder
Falling off this rotting ladder
Your program
Newspaper
So they say
Rumour spread by word of mouth
Jump onto the escalator
Press the button on the lift
Raise the dust on old stair carpets
Endless treads like waves of regret
Now it seems I'm going madder
Falling through this rotting ladder
There's something in your soul that makes me feel so old
In fact I think I've died about six hundred times
There's less of me now and more of me then
I'm moving back to the age of men
Jump off the tarmac there's no stagecoach speed limit
Outside the office hangs the man on the gibbet
Jump off the tarmac there's no stagecoach speed limit
Outside the office swings the man on the gibbet

 

 

Series: A Working Girl’s Best Friend – The Oversized Tote

We dearly hate the “bag lady” look.

There’s no need to bring a massive gym bag, another large “mystery” bag, plus an over the shoulder purse, plus…plus…everywhere you go!  Especially not for the daily corporate grind.

However, there are some essentials that any city dwelling girl simply cannot live without.  Such as having to transport your high heels to and fro, along with your make up, handheld reading device, a spare pair of pantyhose, sunglasses, boxing gloves (ha!), and the like.

Patten faux-leather in black is the best way to make a commanding statement and is all you should really ever need to transport your personal belongings.

Stay chic, Working Girl.

Fashion first.

Worst Office Offense: Soft Rock Radio

Whether you’re an executive assistant, administrative assistant, office manager, receptionist, file clerk, etc., it’s important not to find yourself on the laughing end of a secretarial cliché.

The best example we can think of is some plump Betty, wearing awkwardly puffy tennis shoes to and from the office with a dated early 90’s hairstyle while masticating on gum like it’s some energy saving life-force.

The worst offense however is none of the aforementioned misdemeanors.  The titular clerical transgression is actually, those who listen (albeit even if quietly) to Soft Rock Radio. *Shriek!*  Also, painfully referred to as Adult Contemporary music.

Why?  We ask.  Why, would you want to go and do something like that?  Is it generational?  Is it such mindless listening that it allows you to execute the tasks of your equally mindless job with ease?  What is it?  We would genuinely love to understand.  We dearly would.  Please enlighten us.

Okay, we admit, we’re music snobs.  In a major sort of way.  And as we’d love to rattle off all the astoundingly talented artists and musicians spanning multiple genres and time periods we adore, we’ll begrudgingly save this unending list for another time.

While most office dwellers nowadays practice the courtesy of keeping ear buds at their desk as an obligatory office accessory, we still find that for some strange reason, as we wind our way around the endless maze of cubicles, remarkably some of you still insist on softly pumping out the  Barry Manilow, Amy Grant and Michael McDonald’s of the world, in and subtly around your solitary confinement.

Going forwards, please, think of those around you and understand that there are only so many sax-rock solos in the midst of another power ballad we can really take.  It’s true, we don’t have to see the stringy ponytail for which said rock-saxophonist undoubtedly dawns, but surely you can listen to anything, JUST ANYTHING ELSE, i.e.: classical, acid jazz of the 60’s and 70’s (dare we say), spaghetti western soundtracks, French dance synth/house blends…and let’s put these secretarial clichés to bed once and for all!

Secretary Wanted: Acting Skills Required

Break out your blusher, Working Girl.  It’s time to take center the stage.  No SAG card required.

We think what’s helped keep us in the secretarial profession all this time is the inevitable role-playing element.  In short, it’s fun to pretend to be someone else.  

Of course we can be that little submissive twit that does backwards summersaults whilst retrieving your morning cup of coffee.  We can also be the unflappable, iron-hearted, steely-eyed git, with unwavering emotional sustentation, assisting you in enduring the most chaotic of times.  We’ll happily fluff up your ego, fussing and doting when required.  We can also be your glib little miss, with all the right answers OR ascend into the far recesses of the wallpaper when the pressure cooker begins to boil over. 

It’s all in a day’s work, we say.  To be so agreeable, so supportive, our faux benevolent spirit never overdrawn and always pouring out more and more and more and…..ohhhh!   

But in reality, when the last decorative lamp is switched off, the heels come off in favor of sleek riding boots and a darker shade of lipstick becomes evident, we’ll be the scowl-y, scrappy and hapless wretch, protesting as you hold the subway door open for your slow friend.

Oeuvre of a Working Girl

Our life’s work to date, sadly…is that of a slack-jawed support monkey.  Managing the every beck and call of the Oz-like senior leadership in the cheerless abyss that is our place of employment.  You know them well Working Girls: Presidents, Directors, VPs, EVPs, CEOs, CFOs  and all the other C-Level schmucks you can think of.  We’ve looked after them with our tried-and-true best, a spritely little gem in their (and our) grey paneled existence.

It may not be so glamorous (as falsely depicted in certain, recent throwback television series), but it’s an honest day’s work for a hard working girl.  So why the severe shame and embarrassment?

Perhaps it’s the constant barrage of ridiculous requests.  Everything from managing the most sensitive matters of their personal and professional details to cleaning each and every nook and cranny from their corporate portal and beyond.

We may never be able to articulate the most appropriate answer, only suffice it to say…if we weren’t doing THIS, we’d be a geriatric whore on the street, in prison or DEAD!

Series: A Working Girl’s Best Friend – The Black Blazer

No surprises here!

This is the must have of all must haves.

The single most important staple in any Working Girl’s wardrobe.  A well fitted, beautifully tailored blazer suit jacket.  Preferably several.

We know that recently, there has been a trend developing of loosely fitting blazers, (a la Elaine Benes, circa 1992) but PLEASE!  Resist the temptation.  As much as we love Elaine (as featured in our Top 10 Working Girls from TV and Film post), a well fitted blazer is fiercely essential to our elected profession. 

In short: Wear them.  It looks smart and your boss will hate you for it.

Open the Door to Your New Office

You can visualize it.

You can taste it (in a room deodorizer sprayed into your mouth sort of way).

You dream of it every waking moment (not every sleeping moment, how depressing would that be?)…

Like a corporate oasis gleaming in the theoretical distance.  A happy office land where your co-workers’ actions seem *gasp* sensible?  And your boss is *gasp* human?  And throws certain, carefully measured amounts of trust and confidence your way?

Does this clean, modern, beautiful Bauhaus style office with glass orb light pendant chandelier fixtures exist?

You must will it your way working girl!  Will it and keep on willing it.  Never stop with the willing.