Open the Door to Your New Office

You can visualize it.

You can taste it (in a room deodorizer sprayed into your mouth sort of way).

You dream of it every waking moment (not every sleeping moment, how depressing would that be?)…

Like a corporate oasis gleaming in the theoretical distance.  A happy office land where your co-workers’ actions seem *gasp* sensible?  And your boss is *gasp* human?  And throws certain, carefully measured amounts of trust and confidence your way?

Does this clean, modern, beautiful Bauhaus style office with glass orb light pendant chandelier fixtures exist?

You must will it your way working girl!  Will it and keep on willing it.  Never stop with the willing.

Happy St. Valentine’s Day Working Girls

Break out your heart-shaped stress balls working girls, it’s the dreariest holiday of the year.

Let us not forget, it’s one of the stupidest holidays invented, so word to the wise: WEAR BLACK!  Don’t be one of THOSE mindless twits showing up to the office wearing a purple headband with mini slinkys leading the way to bobbling pink love hearts.  Worse yet, leggings with cutout hearts under an all too casual tunic.  Think it’s impossible for someone to be so deranged they wear this sort of foul garb to the office?  Think again.  We’ve seen it done, jaw to the ground, we’ve seen it!

Holidays primarily meant for children is no free pass to dress like you’re 12.  So act cool, like it’s an ordinary day at the office and secretly sneak out for a lunch break and treat yourself to a hot read pair of stilettos and a quick glass of rosé.

A Sleeping Bag For Your Head

Japan has done it again.  The brain trust of all brain trusts for the zany and wacky have invented the ultimate in perverse office accessories.  Yes that’s right working girls, a sleeping bag for your entire head (and hands) called The Ostrich by designers Kawamura Ganjavian.

When we utter the phrase “what working girl dreams are made of…“, it’s not merely figurative anymore.  So what does this mean for the astute working girl?  Well it seems some might like you to believe this brain bag will offer that much needed, mid-day, post-lunch reprieve.  However, we see it as more of a ball-and-chain disguised in fluff and plusher-y goodness.

Maybe no one will need a home anymore.  Maybe we’ll all just exist in our dreary pods and take intermittent naps in this absurd looking cranium pouch and never, ever leave our respective skyscrapers again…oh dear!

We think this must be a mad-cap, international corporate conspiracy against bottom feeders the world over.  But you musn’t give in working girls!  Don’t be tempted by that crazy Ostrich device, as much as you may want to escape the glare of those sadistic fluorescent lights.

Soon we’ll all just be a number, with our head in a bag, murmuring incoherently and submitting expense reports for the greater destruction of man (and woman)-kind.

Monster Bosses

Why are bosses such sub-human scum?  It seems that no one with a moral or decent bone in their body could assume this role.  No, you must be a scumbag to oversee others in the abysmal corporate bedlam that is our lives.  It must take so much energy to be so insecure and take out your every inadequacy and shortcoming on those meager drones below you.

But, is it possible to be a civilized person AND a boss?

No, you must be a scum of the earth type!  Or a cannibalistic, humanoid, underground, dweller (C.H.U.D.) perhaps?  In any case, the experiments have been tried, tested and run we’re afraid and you must be an FDA certified asshole to heard your gloomy little sheep about.  You must slime your way through life, ego bashing and making pithy little remarks to all along the way.  And the rest of us will pretend to not notice and try to make you feel normal and okay about everything.

Advice: The best way to deal with your monster boss is to become a masochist or at least do your best impression.  Take lots of field trips in your head and Paracetamol along the way.  Plug away at life, power through and plow your way to the other end of the veritable tunnel, which you can achieve by wishing time away in any way you see fit.

This is not a “make you feel better, here is some useful advice…” sort of piece.  It’s more of an “understand the reality of the situation and either give in or get out!”  You can always rent a storefront and repair wrist watches in the back room…our English teacher suggested this to us once, many many forgettable years ago.

The Perfect Secretary

Are you aware of your strengths and weaknesses?

Milk It.

Photograph by: Monica Menez

We are, after all, very hard working girls.  Who would dare question that?  So we say, go ahead, whenever and wherever you can find a little nook or cranny in your day to carve out and slip in a moment to mentally escape, breathe or attend to the personal details of your life, go!  Go we say!  No guilt required.  

The following are our top 5 picks for stealing well deserved time back from your employer: 

1. When your boss is not looking, surf the web, check your private email and read your favorite gossip column.   
2. Get a manicure or haircut on your lunch break and then bring your lunch back with you to somewhat double the allotted time.  
3. Accept personal calls on your office phone and use a serious tone to give it an air of business.   
4. Keep your smart phone turned over and placed at the darkest crevice of your desk (on silent of course) to slip in the odd text, further web surfing, mobile game, etc.  
5. Go on fake Doctor appointments while you’re secretly interviewing with other companies.  In fact, bring the job search to the current job and dispatch résumés and cover letters in mad fashion to every recruiter in town while on the clock.  It’s much more fun that way.  Make sure and Google how to delete history and cookies from your computer so you don’t get outed by the resident tech geek.      

Like we say, no guilt required here.  We’re hard working girls that need to somehow keep all five senses straight!

Un-Casual Friday

How oh-so sweet to kindly allow us to wear jeans in the office at the conclusion of each week.  We must be so thankful, so eternally and everlastingly thankful, right….? 

Wait!  

If this is the situation in your office, take heed working girl!  Don’t submit yourself to this ridiculous form of degradation.  Don’t be fooled into thinking this is some “perk” of the job, but instead note it for what it really is…being treated like you’re in the 3^rd grade and it’s morning show-and-tell time, and you’re allowed to bring in your favorite pony from your My Little Pony collection to share with the class.  

Putrid! 

Oh, why thank you so much for telling me that I may in fact, dress down a bit, as long as there are no holes in my denim and I wear an appropriate blouse or sweater vest combination along with the most unassuming little pumps or penny loafers I can find in my closet. Why thank you!  Thank you oh so very much! 

As we said, don’t be fooled working girl and let yourself fall prey to this perverse delusion that you work for some sort of generous employer that is allowing you (gaaaasp!) to wear jeans on Friday.  In reality, they’re just exercising obstinate control over their many minions and laughing all the way to the bank. 

Instead, opt to wear your very best, most beautifully tailored blazer and anything but denim on your lower half.  Take extra care with your hair and makeup and make all those compliant and subservient losers feel like total shlumps on the dreaded day.  What’s better, is that you’ll most likely be showing up your boss and anyone above you, when they’re wearing some disgusting, washed-out cardigan.  And trust us, it will feel sooooo good.  So very very good! 

Casual Friday?  No fucking thank you!

Series: A Working Girl’s Best Friend – The Vintage Secretary Blouse

Send your non fashion-forward colleagues into a titter with a vintage secretary blouse.  Nothing says, “I don’t belong here but, regrettably, you do!”, like this kitschy retro garment. 

What was once a staple of any office is now a daring and hip piece to add to your day job clothing collection.  It comes off with an alternative-ish vibe but is still appropriate enough to where neither your boss nor HR will have a case against you. 

Buy them! 

Wear them! 

Preferably several in multiple colors and patterns.

The Obligatory Office Holiday Party

Oh Working Girl!  Yes it’s that time of year once more.  Time to ring up the local catering company and submit your corporate credit card details for a discounted cheese and cracker sampler platter, vegetable crudités and dessert tray.  Don’t forget a few bottles of their cheapest Prosecco and away you go!

Set a date and time and send the Outlook calendar invitation to all staff.  When the day arrives, break out the most crude Christmas decorations you can find in the back of the utility closet.  Like little stuffed reindeer that are so miserable looking, their desperate state will reflect a respectable amount of disdain on your behalf.

When the guests arrive in their best festive corporate attire, take delight in eating only a crumb or two, you cannot allow yourself to enjoy this pity party in any shape, style or fashion.  No, it’s not designed for the working girl to enjoy, but rather to watch your co-workers stuff their portly faces and walk away, leaving you to clean up the mess.  Grotesque!

When you get home that evening, feet sore from the whole disgusting display, take comfort in this video that you can replay one million times before bed as a form of recovery:

Happy Holidays from Working Girls On Overload!